Why do people keep telling me that God will not let me down when that's exactly what he did?

Sharing Secrets

Fact: I have no one to share my secrets with now

Fact: I have lost "my person" and he isn't coming back

Fact: My life sucks

End of facts

In a Limbo

I want to move out of my parents' house, but I'm paralyzed, can't even start the search. I keep asking why I have to do this on my own. We used to do everything together. We looked at houses together, we looked for properties to rent together, we planned together, we did everything together.

Why do I have to do this alone now? Why did you have to go?

I held back tears at the supermarket. It hurts to skip the aisle where I buy your soap, your shampoo. I miss your organized way of searching for items. I miss how you'll slip something secretly for me to find at home. It can be a hair clip, a chocolate bar, or those dried squash seeds that you knew I loved.

Our old house was messy, but it was a mess we knew. We knew where everything was. Now I don't even know where the rest of my heart is.

I wasn't done loving you. I wasn't done taking care of you. I wasn't ready.

You think that's fair? I loved you everyday for the last 14 years like there was no tomorrow, and still this happened. Meanwhile, there are awful wives and husbands out there who get the privilege of decades with their other halves. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why couldn't things be the way they were before?

Why can't I wake up tomorrow and see you smiling at me? Why can't I sleep beside you tonight? I want to touch you again, hear your voice, feel your arms around me. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have what other people have? Why can't I have you?

Why do I have to start my life all over without you?

Hindi ka naman stage ng isang game na pangit at kailangan ulitin. You were everything to me. In fact, ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko.

Ang lupit ng kapalaran sa akin. Sa lahat ng pwedeng kunin sa akin ikaw pa. Sarap lang murahin ng buhay.

Ayaw ko na di pwede ba magquit na?

I am so, so tired. Bawat gabing dumadaan na wala ka pinagdadasal ko na sana paggising ko magkasama na tayo uli. Sana hindi na ako magising. Kulang ang salita at kulang ang mga luha ko para maipaliwanag yung sakit. Please take me with you. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Nagsasawa na akong lokohin ang sarili ko na okay ako.

Not Grieving Enough

When you left, I had people asking why I wasn't crying as much as they expected

I had people telling me that they admired me for being strong

I was sane, I wasn't hysterical

I was awesome


Nobody knew

I started crying when we found out it was cancer

I was hysterical

I cried on your chest, wailing and begging you not to leave me

And you said you wouldn't


I hoped for you to get better

But took a lot of pictures and captured videos "just in case"

I prayed for the cancer to go away

I asked God to shrink the tumor


And he did

But I forgot to ask him not to let the cancer spread

So He didn't


I wanted to tell everybody

It's not that I wasn't grieving for you

It's just that I've been grieving the whole time

That by the time they got to me, I was too tired to grieve more than I already have


But I will grieve again tonight

And then again tomorrow

And if I ever love again,

I will grieve for you and the promise I made to you

That there will never be another man


I will grieve until the day we meet again

And when my last day of grief is over,

I will tell you that I've been waiting all these time

And everybody would stop asking

Why I never grieved the way they wanted me to

I Officially Hate Doors

I hate eating in places where there are glass doors

Because deep in my heart

And unknowingly

I'm still waiting for you to show up

To smile at me from afar as you make your way to where I sit

To ask me what I'm having

I'd tell you and you would say (like you always did)

"Kung anong gusto ng prinsesa ko" (whatever my princess wants)

And then a smile - that beautiful, angelic smile



2 months and 2 days since I last held you

I am dying to see you, love

How many more doors do I have to go through

Until I can run into your arms again?