;

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

All of me

Why

It's been a while since I last saw my parents sleep in the same bed. All I can think of is why? Why are they wasting their time? Why aren't they spending as much time together as they can? I would die for another touch of my husband's hand, a kiss on his forehead. My tragic love story should be a lesson for them. It frustrates me. How can they turn down the chance to show their love when here I am, waiting for my end just so I can be with my other half again.

I don't understand.

And I thought I wasn't gonna cry today.

On Our 175th Month

I accidently hurt the side of my left knee tonight. It's something that you can easily call a dismissible injury. But in my emotional state, I cried my heart out because had you been alive, you would've rushed to my side to ask what happened and to take care of my (almost nonexistent) wounds.

You would have gently reminded me to be careful next time and you probably would have kissed my forehead to let me know I'll live.

I miss your gentle, caring ways. Today should have been our 175th month together. It's a good round number. You would have been pleased.

I went to the mall today with ate and her family and we sort of went out for you. We had your favorite DQ moolatte, ordered your favorite kani and mango salad, went to a book sale to look at new and old titles, and we all got a massage from those automatic massage chairs.

It felt like a date with you, except you weren't there.

If you were in my body you would've been amazed at how alone I felt despite being surrounded by so many people.

The Uber ride home felt like one of those nights where we would quietly drive home in peace. We never had to talk in the car. We enjoyed the silence together. You would always, always touch my hand whenever you had the chance. I would always look at your face as the street lights broke through your hair. I would sigh and wonder what good I did to be sitting there with you.

Our love lived in the most mundane tasks at home; from me opening the gate so you can park, to working out who carries what from the car to the house, to making two cups of coffee, and charging the other person's almost dead phone so we can play some stupid games before we call it a night, every night.

175 months of me loving you and I still can't believe that I'm talking about you and to you in the past tense.

Could've, should've, would've.

You should have been and you should still be my future, but you' re gone.

I can pretend all I want that you're still here, that you're coming back. But I can't deny the taste of my tears, and I can still feel my nonexistent wounds from tonight left untouched.

I can never deny that I went alone to the mall, despite being with family. I can't deny that you weren't the person driving the car that took us home.

I went to my room where your urn quietly waited. I can feel you, but you're not there.

Midnight struck, and a reminder showed up on your phone.

Hapimon!

That's how we chose to greet each other every 30th of the month (Hapimon = HAPpy + MONthsary). A stupid tradition that we have faithfully kept alive all throughout our relationship.

I stared at the screen, then burst into tears. The reminder was set to repeat monthly--indefinitely.

I am so, so tired I can't believe how I survived the last 42 days.

I.JUST.WANT.YOU.TO.COME.HOME.PLEASE.

Please tell me this is just a bad dream. Please let me wake up beside you. Please take away this pain. Please just come back.

Today means nothing to me. Nothing means anything to me because you're not here.

Come back.

Remind me how it feels to be happy again.

40 Days

40 agonizing days without you. But then, that's 40 days that you've been pain free.

I choose my pain over yours. I will always, always put you first.

No longer busy

Oh what I would give just to be rushing back to you once more

I would rather hurry my life away if it meant spending another day with you

I would rather run for the rest of my life if it meant seeing you smile and hearing you laugh at my exhaustion

When groceries had to be bought in a very short time, because you would never let anyone else touch your feeding tubes

When sleeping was something I did because I had to, never because I wanted to

I would've stayed up forever

And then maybe I'd have more memories to remember you by

I would've shared your pain for as long as i could

Except we were never really sharing it, it was all just you

I would've accepted all the cold meals, the cups of coffee I never got to drink hot

Because I was checking up on you

Responding to your call

I would've waited an eternity, for life to give us a cure

But there was none

And now I've lost you forever

And for the first time in a long, long time

I'm not rushing anymore