Pet Peeve (Rant Alert)

I often wonder why people find the need to tell me that "everything will be alright" and that "God has a plan. Just pray and you'll be fine".

I am not alright. I am far from okay. No amount of prayer can take away the pain and the longing I feel. All I want is for my husband to come back to me, to wake up to him playing on his phone, to sleep beside him at night, and to be able to kiss him and touch him whenever I wanted to.

I would post memories of him on social media, struggling so hard for him to never be forgotten, only to be flooded by "well-meaning" comments on how I wasn't really alone and that he'll always be here with me.

I wanted to ask them, "I'm sorry, did you miss the part where my husband died? Didn't you see a picture of his urn somewhere online?"

He's gone, and you can tell me all you want that he's still here but there's no denying the fact that I slept alone last night. I cry myself to sleep all the time. I wear a locket with his ashes in it. I am required to change my status to widowed soon and I will always be a woman that God thought strong enough to be on her own.

If you know me, and you're reading this, please do not tell me things I don't want to hear. Ask my husband if he is in a better place and he'll probably tell you that the best place for him is in my arms, where he truly belongs (no offense, God).

I am okay with silence, there's no need for you to say anything. If you can't keep quiet, a simple I'm sorry is enough. Please don't tell me you understand how it feels (unless you've been in the same place) because you don't.

After this loss, I am allowing myself to be selfish about my feelings. I will not let you downplay my pain because you feel like you need to say something to make me feel better.

I won't feel better in a long while and i would appreciate it if you just let me be. Let me grieve the way I know how. Let me wallow in pity today and be hopeful for the future tomorrow. Let me crash hard into depression after all the positivity. Hug me. Tell me you can't even begin to imagine my pain and hold me. But please, don't tell me everything's okay because they're not.

Let me grieve or leave me alone. Save the pep talk for someone else.

What a long wait

I wanted to get wasted tonight, but I changed my mind. I can't even attempt to get drunk because I know you won't be there to take care of me after. I'd rather be just alone instead of drunk and alone you know?

You were 30, love. You weren't supposed to leave me. We should be making plans, having kids, building our lives together.

I was 29. I wasn't supposed to pick an urn for you. I wasn't supposed to sign papers on the release of your body at the hospital. I was too young to be a widow.

We were so, so happy. We weren't supposed to part ways after just 14 years together. We should be growing old in each other's arms. We should be deciding which school to send our kids to, or whether our grandkids can come visit us at home while their parents take some time off work.

You weren't supposed to die.

We had the best doctors.

We had people helping.

We had enough money to get you through surgery.

We had family and friends cheering us on.

We had each other.

We had everything except God's blessing for you to stay. So He took you away from me forever, along with all my hopes and dreams. He took with you my heart, my soul, my will to live.

We had a beautiful life, cut so short by circumstance.

I was a story you loved despite the crazy plot and the cheesy lines.

I had no idea you were going to be just a chapter in mine.

I am terrified of a future without you. I see no point in moving forward. But I gave you a promise, a promise of a life that will mean something again someday, a life with a purpose. I'm not living this life for me, this is all so I can keep the promise I made to you.

I have just reached the tragic part of my tale, it's time to wait for the new characters. I wonder if it includes a new challenge or a new source of happiness. Either way, I am crawling this life to completion for you.

In the end, I hope to close this book with you waiting for me to come home to you once more. I see you offering your strong hands to me, as I say goodbye to this cruel world.

I'm waiting for your input to this narrative, love.

Surprise me.

Please love your husband for me

because every time you ignore him, I wish I had a husband to ignore

when you give him a hard time after arguing, I wish my husband was here to argue with me

when you pull away from his embrace during warm nights, remember that I sleep alone beside my husband's wooden urn

while you are complaining of late work nights, I'm here praying for him to just come home

if he's irritable because he has a cold, know that somewhere out there, there are wives who wish they can make their spouses feel better with just some chicken soup and an aspirin or two

if the kids are giving you a hard time, look at me and think about how much I would've wanted one of my own

when he wants to show you something, or take you somewhere that means something to him, never forget that there are widows like me who are praying for one more day to be with our better halves

for every single day that you take your husband for granted, I am only one step closer to seeing my greatest love again

you have been given a gift

an opportunity to touch, to kiss, to hug, to be happy

something I haven't been in a while

if I could just make my husband's last day on earth last forever, I would've done so without hesitation

but he was so sick, and I had his life in my hands

I signed papers I didn't want to, told him it was okay to let go

and he did

if you have never had to make that choice, please consider yourself blessed

you have no idea how painful it is to lose that one person that gave meaning to everything that you are

that's why I ask you to please, love your husband for me

because you will never, ever know how much longer you have

;

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

All of me

Why

It's been a while since I last saw my parents sleep in the same bed. All I can think of is why? Why are they wasting their time? Why aren't they spending as much time together as they can? I would die for another touch of my husband's hand, a kiss on his forehead. My tragic love story should be a lesson for them. It frustrates me. How can they turn down the chance to show their love when here I am, waiting for my end just so I can be with my other half again.

I don't understand.

And I thought I wasn't gonna cry today.