I'm Ashamed to Admit

That it hurts to see other people happy.

One of my best friends found out today that she's going to be a mom soon. She has only been married for 6 weeks. They have only been together for over a month before they got married.

I'm happy for her. But I also cried a lot from all the sadness and envy that I felt upon hearing the news.

I'll be 30 in 2 days, my first birthday without my beloved husband. I decided to celebrate it alone. I want to honor my grief on this day, a day that will remind me of all the beautiful things that I had that are now all gone.

This is my new normal. There will no longer be midnight birthday songs for me. I won't have anyone to make plans with for the day itself. I will no longer be receiving personalized gifts from the one I love the most. It will just be a day that will change my age, nothing more.

I wanted to tell somebody about what I was feeling. I browsed through a list of contacts and friendly names. In the end I sent my thoughts to my late husband. To his social media account that has not had any activity in months.

I told him everything. I sent chunks after chunks of texts on how everything sucks without him. I told him how sad I was and how I hate that he isn't here to see me freak out about the future and what it holds. I told him that I was so afraid of being alone and that it hurts. I told him everything hurt.

I told him that when I lost him, I lost a part of my heart that celebrates other people's happiness. I told him that I was losing compassion and disregarding more and more people and the trivial things that they whine about. I understand how perspective changes everything, I know that we all process grief differently. I just can't show compassion and empathy as much as I want to. I pick people to help, people to listen to (usually confined to a very limited few). I feel like I have to grow my heart back before I start feeling again.

I'm tired. I am done. I just want to get rid of the pain and longing and sadness but I can't.

I am not praying to God. Not yet. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

I want to pretend that he's still here. That we will be seeing each other in a few. I want to live in this dream. I want to be where he is. For a few days, I'd like to believe that he never left.

Finally

I dreamt of you

You came to me

As young as we were when we first met

A short visit

You were feeling under the weather

Then you said you had to go

I told you I was going to drive you home

So I did

I kept looking at you

You were sleeping

My passenger's seat suddenly caught a glimpse of heaven

You were healthy

You were beautiful

The night was so dark but peaceful

It was so quiet

Somewhere along the way I realized I wasn't wearing my seatbelt

So I looked for a place to stop and put it on

It seemed like we were going to our old house

I stopped the car

You stirred

I calmed you down

Told you it was okay

I was just putting on my seatbelt

You went back to sleep

I put my seatbelt on, adjusted my seat

I turned on the engine

Got back on the road

And then suddenly we were at your house

The house you grew up in

We went inside

I told you to go rest now

You asked me to stay

I said it's fine

You can rest now

You asked me to wait

While waiting I saw some of your folks

I said hi

Then you came back

Said you had two tickets for me

You handed them over

I took them

Then the dream was over

I can't believe I only dream of you now

I miss you

I'm so sorry I can't be there for you

Not yet

But someday

Why I Write Like This

I write in fragments. I write in chopped up sentences. I cut them wherever I want.

It's not style, it's not some creative stuff that has a logical reason behind it.

I write like this because ever since I lost the love of my life, I have been thinking like this.

Botched thoughts. Random inserts.

That's just my mind nowadays.

And I try to write them out. One word at a time.

Hoping that as the words run out, so does my grief.

I write like this because I lost the person who used to laugh at how I can talk nonstop when I'm with him.

But there's no one to tell my stories to now is there.

So I write like this to try to breathe out my pain.

One word at a time.

One stupid sentence at a time.

One unfinished thought at a time.

I write like this because I feel like this.

Broken.

On hold.

I used to love writing about him.

Now I hate having to write about my loss.

But I have to write.

Because there's no one here to listen.

He should've been here.

But he's not.

These words are my only escape.

Could you stay my love?

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering, "Was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?"

No she's not

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering, "Could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?"

No she can't

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?

would you get them if I did?

No you won't

'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Why do people keep telling me that God will not let me down when that's exactly what he did?

Sharing Secrets

Fact: I have no one to share my secrets with now

Fact: I have lost "my person" and he isn't coming back

Fact: My life sucks

End of facts

In a Limbo

I want to move out of my parents' house, but I'm paralyzed, can't even start the search. I keep asking why I have to do this on my own. We used to do everything together. We looked at houses together, we looked for properties to rent together, we planned together, we did everything together.

Why do I have to do this alone now? Why did you have to go?

I held back tears at the supermarket. It hurts to skip the aisle where I buy your soap, your shampoo. I miss your organized way of searching for items. I miss how you'll slip something secretly for me to find at home. It can be a hair clip, a chocolate bar, or those dried squash seeds that you knew I loved.

Our old house was messy, but it was a mess we knew. We knew where everything was. Now I don't even know where the rest of my heart is.

I wasn't done loving you. I wasn't done taking care of you. I wasn't ready.

You think that's fair? I loved you everyday for the last 14 years like there was no tomorrow, and still this happened. Meanwhile, there are awful wives and husbands out there who get the privilege of decades with their other halves. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why couldn't things be the way they were before?

Why can't I wake up tomorrow and see you smiling at me? Why can't I sleep beside you tonight? I want to touch you again, hear your voice, feel your arms around me. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have what other people have? Why can't I have you?

Why do I have to start my life all over without you?

Hindi ka naman stage ng isang game na pangit at kailangan ulitin. You were everything to me. In fact, ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko.

Ang lupit ng kapalaran sa akin. Sa lahat ng pwedeng kunin sa akin ikaw pa. Sarap lang murahin ng buhay.

Ayaw ko na di pwede ba magquit na?

I am so, so tired. Bawat gabing dumadaan na wala ka pinagdadasal ko na sana paggising ko magkasama na tayo uli. Sana hindi na ako magising. Kulang ang salita at kulang ang mga luha ko para maipaliwanag yung sakit. Please take me with you. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Nagsasawa na akong lokohin ang sarili ko na okay ako.

Not Grieving Enough

When you left, I had people asking why I wasn't crying as much as they expected

I had people telling me that they admired me for being strong

I was sane, I wasn't hysterical

I was awesome


Nobody knew

I started crying when we found out it was cancer

I was hysterical

I cried on your chest, wailing and begging you not to leave me

And you said you wouldn't


I hoped for you to get better

But took a lot of pictures and captured videos "just in case"

I prayed for the cancer to go away

I asked God to shrink the tumor


And he did

But I forgot to ask him not to let the cancer spread

So He didn't


I wanted to tell everybody

It's not that I wasn't grieving for you

It's just that I've been grieving the whole time

That by the time they got to me, I was too tired to grieve more than I already have


But I will grieve again tonight

And then again tomorrow

And if I ever love again,

I will grieve for you and the promise I made to you

That there will never be another man


I will grieve until the day we meet again

And when my last day of grief is over,

I will tell you that I've been waiting all these time

And everybody would stop asking

Why I never grieved the way they wanted me to

I Officially Hate Doors

I hate eating in places where there are glass doors

Because deep in my heart

And unknowingly

I'm still waiting for you to show up

To smile at me from afar as you make your way to where I sit

To ask me what I'm having

I'd tell you and you would say (like you always did)

"Kung anong gusto ng prinsesa ko" (whatever my princess wants)

And then a smile - that beautiful, angelic smile



2 months and 2 days since I last held you

I am dying to see you, love

How many more doors do I have to go through

Until I can run into your arms again?

How Time Flies

Before your diagnosis in February

Friend A was single and nursing a very broken heart

Friend B was pregnant and although having issues with her finances, she was very excited about the baby


Had lunch with them 2 weeks ago and found out that

Friend A is now with Friend C (they work for the same company) and they are very happy

Friend B got married, had her baby, and is now slowly trying to recover from her financial troubles


Before your diagnosis I was a happy wife, I was complete, I was whole and maybe a little more

Today, I'm a 29 year old widow


I have no will to live

I struggle daily

I have thought of jumping off a bridge

I still think about how our kids would've looked like if we were just given the chance to have them

I wonder why God thought taking you away from me was funny



A movie character once said

"If you love someone, you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just passes you by."

I told you didn't I

right then and there

out loud

that I loved you


I loved you very much


But still

the moment passed me by

and when I looked back at you

you were gone

I'm a survivor

A surviving spouse

A surviving friend

A surviving soul mate

A surviving person

I survived today

And I'll survive again tomorrow

I'm a survivor

But not by choice

Pet Peeve (Rant Alert)

I often wonder why people find the need to tell me that "everything will be alright" and that "God has a plan. Just pray and you'll be fine".

I am not alright. I am far from okay. No amount of prayer can take away the pain and the longing I feel. All I want is for my husband to come back to me, to wake up to him playing on his phone, to sleep beside him at night, and to be able to kiss him and touch him whenever I wanted to.

I would post memories of him on social media, struggling so hard for him to never be forgotten, only to be flooded by "well-meaning" comments on how I wasn't really alone and that he'll always be here with me.

I wanted to ask them, "I'm sorry, did you miss the part where my husband died? Didn't you see a picture of his urn somewhere online?"

He's gone, and you can tell me all you want that he's still here but there's no denying the fact that I slept alone last night. I cry myself to sleep all the time. I wear a locket with his ashes in it. I am required to change my status to widowed soon and I will always be a woman that God thought strong enough to be on her own.

If you know me, and you're reading this, please do not tell me things I don't want to hear. Ask my husband if he is in a better place and he'll probably tell you that the best place for him is in my arms, where he truly belongs (no offense, God).

I am okay with silence, there's no need for you to say anything. If you can't keep quiet, a simple I'm sorry is enough. Please don't tell me you understand how it feels (unless you've been in the same place) because you don't.

After this loss, I am allowing myself to be selfish about my feelings. I will not let you downplay my pain because you feel like you need to say something to make me feel better.

I won't feel better in a long while and i would appreciate it if you just let me be. Let me grieve the way I know how. Let me wallow in pity today and be hopeful for the future tomorrow. Let me crash hard into depression after all the positivity. Hug me. Tell me you can't even begin to imagine my pain and hold me. But please, don't tell me everything's okay because they're not.

Let me grieve or leave me alone. Save the pep talk for someone else.

What a long wait

I wanted to get wasted tonight, but I changed my mind. I can't even attempt to get drunk because I know you won't be there to take care of me after. I'd rather be just alone instead of drunk and alone you know?

You were 30, love. You weren't supposed to leave me. We should be making plans, having kids, building our lives together.

I was 29. I wasn't supposed to pick an urn for you. I wasn't supposed to sign papers on the release of your body at the hospital. I was too young to be a widow.

We were so, so happy. We weren't supposed to part ways after just 14 years together. We should be growing old in each other's arms. We should be deciding which school to send our kids to, or whether our grandkids can come visit us at home while their parents take some time off work.

You weren't supposed to die.

We had the best doctors.

We had people helping.

We had enough money to get you through surgery.

We had family and friends cheering us on.

We had each other.

We had everything except God's blessing for you to stay. So He took you away from me forever, along with all my hopes and dreams. He took with you my heart, my soul, my will to live.

We had a beautiful life, cut so short by circumstance.

I was a story you loved despite the crazy plot and the cheesy lines.

I had no idea you were going to be just a chapter in mine.

I am terrified of a future without you. I see no point in moving forward. But I gave you a promise, a promise of a life that will mean something again someday, a life with a purpose. I'm not living this life for me, this is all so I can keep the promise I made to you.

I have just reached the tragic part of my tale, it's time to wait for the new characters. I wonder if it includes a new challenge or a new source of happiness. Either way, I am crawling this life to completion for you.

In the end, I hope to close this book with you waiting for me to come home to you once more. I see you offering your strong hands to me, as I say goodbye to this cruel world.

I'm waiting for your input to this narrative, love.

Surprise me.

Please love your husband for me

because every time you ignore him, I wish I had a husband to ignore

when you give him a hard time after arguing, I wish my husband was here to argue with me

when you pull away from his embrace during warm nights, remember that I sleep alone beside my husband's wooden urn

while you are complaining of late work nights, I'm here praying for him to just come home

if he's irritable because he has a cold, know that somewhere out there, there are wives who wish they can make their spouses feel better with just some chicken soup and an aspirin or two

if the kids are giving you a hard time, look at me and think about how much I would've wanted one of my own

when he wants to show you something, or take you somewhere that means something to him, never forget that there are widows like me who are praying for one more day to be with our better halves

for every single day that you take your husband for granted, I am only one step closer to seeing my greatest love again

you have been given a gift

an opportunity to touch, to kiss, to hug, to be happy

something I haven't been in a while

if I could just make my husband's last day on earth last forever, I would've done so without hesitation

but he was so sick, and I had his life in my hands

I signed papers I didn't want to, told him it was okay to let go

and he did

if you have never had to make that choice, please consider yourself blessed

you have no idea how painful it is to lose that one person that gave meaning to everything that you are

that's why I ask you to please, love your husband for me

because you will never, ever know how much longer you have

;

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

All of me

Why

It's been a while since I last saw my parents sleep in the same bed. All I can think of is why? Why are they wasting their time? Why aren't they spending as much time together as they can? I would die for another touch of my husband's hand, a kiss on his forehead. My tragic love story should be a lesson for them. It frustrates me. How can they turn down the chance to show their love when here I am, waiting for my end just so I can be with my other half again.

I don't understand.

And I thought I wasn't gonna cry today.