In a Limbo

I want to move out of my parents' house, but I'm paralyzed, can't even start the search. I keep asking why I have to do this on my own. We used to do everything together. We looked at houses together, we looked for properties to rent together, we planned together, we did everything together.

Why do I have to do this alone now? Why did you have to go?

I held back tears at the supermarket. It hurts to skip the aisle where I buy your soap, your shampoo. I miss your organized way of searching for items. I miss how you'll slip something secretly for me to find at home. It can be a hair clip, a chocolate bar, or those dried squash seeds that you knew I loved.

Our old house was messy, but it was a mess we knew. We knew where everything was. Now I don't even know where the rest of my heart is.

I wasn't done loving you. I wasn't done taking care of you. I wasn't ready.

You think that's fair? I loved you everyday for the last 14 years like there was no tomorrow, and still this happened. Meanwhile, there are awful wives and husbands out there who get the privilege of decades with their other halves. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why couldn't things be the way they were before?

Why can't I wake up tomorrow and see you smiling at me? Why can't I sleep beside you tonight? I want to touch you again, hear your voice, feel your arms around me. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have what other people have? Why can't I have you?

Why do I have to start my life all over without you?

Hindi ka naman stage ng isang game na pangit at kailangan ulitin. You were everything to me. In fact, ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko.

Ang lupit ng kapalaran sa akin. Sa lahat ng pwedeng kunin sa akin ikaw pa. Sarap lang murahin ng buhay.

Ayaw ko na di pwede ba magquit na?

I am so, so tired. Bawat gabing dumadaan na wala ka pinagdadasal ko na sana paggising ko magkasama na tayo uli. Sana hindi na ako magising. Kulang ang salita at kulang ang mga luha ko para maipaliwanag yung sakit. Please take me with you. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Nagsasawa na akong lokohin ang sarili ko na okay ako.