The Balance of Nature

I love my husband. Until the very end I hoped for a miracle. But as much as I had hope and faith, I also believed in the balance of nature. So although I was praying to God for a last minute change of heart, I sort of gave up the fight the moment I learnt about the patient in the room next to ours.

Our medical oncologist called me on the night of June 17th to tell me that she thinks my husband will pass in the next 24-48 hours. I was holding out hope that with some kind twist of fate the cancer would suddenly disappear just like in the movies. I politely asked the doctor in charge for a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form before Cezar's vitals dropped further.

I finished signing the form and just stood at the nurse's station for a while. I was lost. Across me the door opened and I saw for the first time the only confirmation I needed about my husband's destiny.

The room was filled with pink balloons and there in a bassinet was a newborn child, sleeping, her mother looking at her smiling while everyone else yapped away holding their paper plates and styro cups. There, in between our rooms, nature maintained equilibrium in this shitty thing we call life. It was a breathtaking sight to behold, and it made me cry for obvious reasons.

Cezar's time was up. I have never been more sure.

I had all the monitors in the room, all the medical personnel to give me updates, but I only needed an infant to tell me that whoever was up there in heaven had made up its mind.

I wanted to know who the child was. Was there any chance she was my husband reborn? Does she know that for her to have earned a license to live, my husband had his license revoked? Questions after questions, my mind bled with the craziness of all that I was witnessing. What a cruel way to be left behind. What a way to be reminded that I am now a childless widow. I could've obsessed over this child but decided to let it go. After all, if we were meant to meet, life will find a way to have our paths cross.

Cezar died the next day, he didn't even make it 'til noon. I should've gotten mad at our onco. I should've asked her why  she said he would pass in 24-48 hours when he died only some 12 hours after we talked on the phone. I was angry to the point of irrational. But  I was never hysterical. Cezar hated it when I went crazy.

So there I was contemplating what to do with a life that I had planned with someone who was now gone.  All I could think of was how this life sucks. I hate it. I don't want any part of it. If there is a God, well I hate him too. The first night I slept alone, I prayed hard to never wake up the next day. I did wake up much to my dismay, but with a newfound purpose which was to finish my late husband's wishes. I prayed that after I've accomplished all that he wasn't able to, it would be my turn to join him in heaven.

I have so much to do and not a lot of heart to do them but I'm trying. I'm taking very small steps. Every step feels like stepping on broken shards of glass. Then I think, at least broken glass can heal-it will scar, but it will fade over time. But my broken heart is not a wound. I can wait for an eternity but it will never, ever heal. Like everything else about my life now, all I can do is live with it.

I ugly cry thinking about what I'm supposed to do with my future. Very few people understand that I can fully function and still be grieving everyday. I have never been in such a confusing place. I can laugh out loud while dying inside. It's so hard to live with the guilt of living, smiling, and laughing without the person I love the most. Always, at the end of the day, I wish I could sleep beside him and feel him stroke my hair. I miss his scent. I miss how I had a person I could call mine. Now it's just me and a bootload of pillows. I still have our cats, but nothing will ever be the same again without him.

I wish I could give mother nature the middle finger, just so I can get even. Out of all the lowlives in this wicked world, why take my husband? But in the middle of me writing this, I feel like Cezar whispered something to me.

I suddenly thought about how sometimes nature's balance doesn't have to happen in completely opposite ends. A life that ends doesn't necessarily have to give life to a new person. In what you may call a crazy vision, I heard my late husband say, "I didn't die so that baby could live, I had to die so you could."

I heard it in my head, and I have never hated myself more.

Missing You

Golden Hour is a period shortly after sunrise or before sunset during which daylight is redder and softer than when the Sun is higher in the sky.

I had this when I had you. You were my golden hour. I don't know how I managed to live without you for the last two months. I miss you. Why can't you just come back?

Making a Choice

If I were to pick an ideal wife for my husband said woman would be

-super hot
-super smart
-a gamer
-loves nba
-loves reading manga
-very successful in her career
-does not have a stupid mouth
-would know exactly where and what she wants to eat at any given time or day
++++many more

She would be so different from me and obviously so much better. With my husband's looks, charm, sweetness, and everything else, he could have found someone exactly like this easy. He could have pursued her and despite knowing that he was married, she would surely reciprocate.

But I was lucky enough to have had a husband who chose me and our love for each other. We used to talk about how when you put responsibilities and bills and due dates into the mix, love boils down to one thing- decision. Love is a decision you keep when love doesn't feel like love anymore. Love happens most when things are least romantic.

For us although love existed from day 1, true unconditional love only happened on the day of his cancer diagnosis. It was there the first night I had to drive a very sick Cezar home with only a student permit in my wallet and a few hours of driving lessons.

Love happened the first time he threw up on my hand while he was trying to get the heavy feeling out of his chest.

Love was when I had absolutely no sleep but went to the blood bank anyway to have myself screened for donation (old fashioned hospital wouldn't accept because I had an old tattoo).

Love happened the first time I had to help him use a bed pan and a commode.

Love was celebrating Valentine's day and our wedding anniversary at the hospital while the doctors try to figure out what's causing his growing pain.

It was in the many months where sex was absent.

It's never getting to give him a full hug because of a feeding tube protruding from his stomach.

The uglier things got the truer our love became.

Our love was in his blood, his tears, and his sweat.

Our love prevailed through toxic piss stained by chemo drugs, it lived in the dirt of his disease.

And he loved me for it.

If he were alive I could ask him if he would wish for ideal wife above and I can say with confidence that he would give me a resounding no.

Because the ideal wife is just that, ideal. It takes a lot more to become the true 'til death do us part wife.

Being the ideal wife is easy. Find out what the man wants, become it, profit. But to lay open with all your imperfections and give your partner complete trust that they will love you as you are, that is true love in itself.

And although days are dark and filled with resentment, frustrations, jealousy, and pain, it's comforting to know that there is love in there too.

30

is my age today

is your age when you earned your angel wings

is the date of our anniversary as a couple

is a number we both loved

and 30

is my one big reminder that you are really physically gone

as i lay here in this luxurious bed that i rented for my birthday

i remember the past years when you would sing to me at midnight

that cheerful happy birthday song

and you would greet me, and hug me, and kiss me

and we would make plans where to go

we were together for 14 years

we became an us when we were both 15

you always said on our 16th anniversary we would do something grand

you told me that since the years that we've known each other would be longer than the years we didn't by then,

that it was a perfect time to celebrate

except we didn't make it to that and i regret it

i wish you were here

i wish i had you to hold for the rest of my days

i wish i didn't have to make it on my own

i wish i didn't have to make this birthday wish

I'm Ashamed to Admit

That it hurts to see other people happy.

One of my best friends found out today that she's going to be a mom soon. She has only been married for 6 weeks. They have only been together for over a month before they got married.

I'm happy for her. But I also cried a lot from all the sadness and envy that I felt upon hearing the news.

I'll be 30 in 2 days, my first birthday without my beloved husband. I decided to celebrate it alone. I want to honor my grief on this day, a day that will remind me of all the beautiful things that I had that are now all gone.

This is my new normal. There will no longer be midnight birthday songs for me. I won't have anyone to make plans with for the day itself. I will no longer be receiving personalized gifts from the one I love the most. It will just be a day that will change my age, nothing more.

I wanted to tell somebody about what I was feeling. I browsed through a list of contacts and friendly names. In the end I sent my thoughts to my late husband. To his social media account that has not had any activity in months.

I told him everything. I sent chunks after chunks of texts on how everything sucks without him. I told him how sad I was and how I hate that he isn't here to see me freak out about the future and what it holds. I told him that I was so afraid of being alone and that it hurts. I told him everything hurt.

I told him that when I lost him, I lost a part of my heart that celebrates other people's happiness. I told him that I was losing compassion and disregarding more and more people and the trivial things that they whine about. I understand how perspective changes everything, I know that we all process grief differently. I just can't show compassion and empathy as much as I want to. I pick people to help, people to listen to (usually confined to a very limited few). I feel like I have to grow my heart back before I start feeling again.

I'm tired. I am done. I just want to get rid of the pain and longing and sadness but I can't.

I am not praying to God. Not yet. I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

I want to pretend that he's still here. That we will be seeing each other in a few. I want to live in this dream. I want to be where he is. For a few days, I'd like to believe that he never left.

Finally

I dreamt of you

You came to me

As young as we were when we first met

A short visit

You were feeling under the weather

Then you said you had to go

I told you I was going to drive you home

So I did

I kept looking at you

You were sleeping

My passenger's seat suddenly caught a glimpse of heaven

You were healthy

You were beautiful

The night was so dark but peaceful

It was so quiet

Somewhere along the way I realized I wasn't wearing my seatbelt

So I looked for a place to stop and put it on

It seemed like we were going to our old house

I stopped the car

You stirred

I calmed you down

Told you it was okay

I was just putting on my seatbelt

You went back to sleep

I put my seatbelt on, adjusted my seat

I turned on the engine

Got back on the road

And then suddenly we were at your house

The house you grew up in

We went inside

I told you to go rest now

You asked me to stay

I said it's fine

You can rest now

You asked me to wait

While waiting I saw some of your folks

I said hi

Then you came back

Said you had two tickets for me

You handed them over

I took them

Then the dream was over

I can't believe I only dream of you now

I miss you

I'm so sorry I can't be there for you

Not yet

But someday

Why I Write Like This

I write in fragments. I write in chopped up sentences. I cut them wherever I want.

It's not style, it's not some creative stuff that has a logical reason behind it.

I write like this because ever since I lost the love of my life, I have been thinking like this.

Botched thoughts. Random inserts.

That's just my mind nowadays.

And I try to write them out. One word at a time.

Hoping that as the words run out, so does my grief.

I write like this because I lost the person who used to laugh at how I can talk nonstop when I'm with him.

But there's no one to tell my stories to now is there.

So I write like this to try to breathe out my pain.

One word at a time.

One stupid sentence at a time.

One unfinished thought at a time.

I write like this because I feel like this.

Broken.

On hold.

I used to love writing about him.

Now I hate having to write about my loss.

But I have to write.

Because there's no one here to listen.

He should've been here.

But he's not.

These words are my only escape.

Could you stay my love?

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering, "Was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?"

No she's not

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes

Then all at once you have to say goodbye

Wondering, "Could you stay my love?

Will you wake up by my side?"

No she can't

'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?

would you get them if I did?

No you won't

'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Why do people keep telling me that God will not let me down when that's exactly what he did?

Sharing Secrets

Fact: I have no one to share my secrets with now

Fact: I have lost "my person" and he isn't coming back

Fact: My life sucks

End of facts

In a Limbo

I want to move out of my parents' house, but I'm paralyzed, can't even start the search. I keep asking why I have to do this on my own. We used to do everything together. We looked at houses together, we looked for properties to rent together, we planned together, we did everything together.

Why do I have to do this alone now? Why did you have to go?

I held back tears at the supermarket. It hurts to skip the aisle where I buy your soap, your shampoo. I miss your organized way of searching for items. I miss how you'll slip something secretly for me to find at home. It can be a hair clip, a chocolate bar, or those dried squash seeds that you knew I loved.

Our old house was messy, but it was a mess we knew. We knew where everything was. Now I don't even know where the rest of my heart is.

I wasn't done loving you. I wasn't done taking care of you. I wasn't ready.

You think that's fair? I loved you everyday for the last 14 years like there was no tomorrow, and still this happened. Meanwhile, there are awful wives and husbands out there who get the privilege of decades with their other halves. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why couldn't things be the way they were before?

Why can't I wake up tomorrow and see you smiling at me? Why can't I sleep beside you tonight? I want to touch you again, hear your voice, feel your arms around me. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have what other people have? Why can't I have you?

Why do I have to start my life all over without you?

Hindi ka naman stage ng isang game na pangit at kailangan ulitin. You were everything to me. In fact, ikaw ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko.

Ang lupit ng kapalaran sa akin. Sa lahat ng pwedeng kunin sa akin ikaw pa. Sarap lang murahin ng buhay.

Ayaw ko na di pwede ba magquit na?

I am so, so tired. Bawat gabing dumadaan na wala ka pinagdadasal ko na sana paggising ko magkasama na tayo uli. Sana hindi na ako magising. Kulang ang salita at kulang ang mga luha ko para maipaliwanag yung sakit. Please take me with you. Pagod na pagod na ako.

Nagsasawa na akong lokohin ang sarili ko na okay ako.

Not Grieving Enough

When you left, I had people asking why I wasn't crying as much as they expected

I had people telling me that they admired me for being strong

I was sane, I wasn't hysterical

I was awesome


Nobody knew

I started crying when we found out it was cancer

I was hysterical

I cried on your chest, wailing and begging you not to leave me

And you said you wouldn't


I hoped for you to get better

But took a lot of pictures and captured videos "just in case"

I prayed for the cancer to go away

I asked God to shrink the tumor


And he did

But I forgot to ask him not to let the cancer spread

So He didn't


I wanted to tell everybody

It's not that I wasn't grieving for you

It's just that I've been grieving the whole time

That by the time they got to me, I was too tired to grieve more than I already have


But I will grieve again tonight

And then again tomorrow

And if I ever love again,

I will grieve for you and the promise I made to you

That there will never be another man


I will grieve until the day we meet again

And when my last day of grief is over,

I will tell you that I've been waiting all these time

And everybody would stop asking

Why I never grieved the way they wanted me to

I Officially Hate Doors

I hate eating in places where there are glass doors

Because deep in my heart

And unknowingly

I'm still waiting for you to show up

To smile at me from afar as you make your way to where I sit

To ask me what I'm having

I'd tell you and you would say (like you always did)

"Kung anong gusto ng prinsesa ko" (whatever my princess wants)

And then a smile - that beautiful, angelic smile



2 months and 2 days since I last held you

I am dying to see you, love

How many more doors do I have to go through

Until I can run into your arms again?

How Time Flies

Before your diagnosis in February

Friend A was single and nursing a very broken heart

Friend B was pregnant and although having issues with her finances, she was very excited about the baby


Had lunch with them 2 weeks ago and found out that

Friend A is now with Friend C (they work for the same company) and they are very happy

Friend B got married, had her baby, and is now slowly trying to recover from her financial troubles


Before your diagnosis I was a happy wife, I was complete, I was whole and maybe a little more

Today, I'm a 29 year old widow


I have no will to live

I struggle daily

I have thought of jumping off a bridge

I still think about how our kids would've looked like if we were just given the chance to have them

I wonder why God thought taking you away from me was funny



A movie character once said

"If you love someone, you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just passes you by."

I told you didn't I

right then and there

out loud

that I loved you


I loved you very much


But still

the moment passed me by

and when I looked back at you

you were gone

I'm a survivor

A surviving spouse

A surviving friend

A surviving soul mate

A surviving person

I survived today

And I'll survive again tomorrow

I'm a survivor

But not by choice

Pet Peeve (Rant Alert)

I often wonder why people find the need to tell me that "everything will be alright" and that "God has a plan. Just pray and you'll be fine".

I am not alright. I am far from okay. No amount of prayer can take away the pain and the longing I feel. All I want is for my husband to come back to me, to wake up to him playing on his phone, to sleep beside him at night, and to be able to kiss him and touch him whenever I wanted to.

I would post memories of him on social media, struggling so hard for him to never be forgotten, only to be flooded by "well-meaning" comments on how I wasn't really alone and that he'll always be here with me.

I wanted to ask them, "I'm sorry, did you miss the part where my husband died? Didn't you see a picture of his urn somewhere online?"

He's gone, and you can tell me all you want that he's still here but there's no denying the fact that I slept alone last night. I cry myself to sleep all the time. I wear a locket with his ashes in it. I am required to change my status to widowed soon and I will always be a woman that God thought strong enough to be on her own.

If you know me, and you're reading this, please do not tell me things I don't want to hear. Ask my husband if he is in a better place and he'll probably tell you that the best place for him is in my arms, where he truly belongs (no offense, God).

I am okay with silence, there's no need for you to say anything. If you can't keep quiet, a simple I'm sorry is enough. Please don't tell me you understand how it feels (unless you've been in the same place) because you don't.

After this loss, I am allowing myself to be selfish about my feelings. I will not let you downplay my pain because you feel like you need to say something to make me feel better.

I won't feel better in a long while and i would appreciate it if you just let me be. Let me grieve the way I know how. Let me wallow in pity today and be hopeful for the future tomorrow. Let me crash hard into depression after all the positivity. Hug me. Tell me you can't even begin to imagine my pain and hold me. But please, don't tell me everything's okay because they're not.

Let me grieve or leave me alone. Save the pep talk for someone else.

What a long wait

I wanted to get wasted tonight, but I changed my mind. I can't even attempt to get drunk because I know you won't be there to take care of me after. I'd rather be just alone instead of drunk and alone you know?

You were 30, love. You weren't supposed to leave me. We should be making plans, having kids, building our lives together.

I was 29. I wasn't supposed to pick an urn for you. I wasn't supposed to sign papers on the release of your body at the hospital. I was too young to be a widow.

We were so, so happy. We weren't supposed to part ways after just 14 years together. We should be growing old in each other's arms. We should be deciding which school to send our kids to, or whether our grandkids can come visit us at home while their parents take some time off work.

You weren't supposed to die.

We had the best doctors.

We had people helping.

We had enough money to get you through surgery.

We had family and friends cheering us on.

We had each other.

We had everything except God's blessing for you to stay. So He took you away from me forever, along with all my hopes and dreams. He took with you my heart, my soul, my will to live.

We had a beautiful life, cut so short by circumstance.

I was a story you loved despite the crazy plot and the cheesy lines.

I had no idea you were going to be just a chapter in mine.

I am terrified of a future without you. I see no point in moving forward. But I gave you a promise, a promise of a life that will mean something again someday, a life with a purpose. I'm not living this life for me, this is all so I can keep the promise I made to you.

I have just reached the tragic part of my tale, it's time to wait for the new characters. I wonder if it includes a new challenge or a new source of happiness. Either way, I am crawling this life to completion for you.

In the end, I hope to close this book with you waiting for me to come home to you once more. I see you offering your strong hands to me, as I say goodbye to this cruel world.

I'm waiting for your input to this narrative, love.

Surprise me.

Please love your husband for me

because every time you ignore him, I wish I had a husband to ignore

when you give him a hard time after arguing, I wish my husband was here to argue with me

when you pull away from his embrace during warm nights, remember that I sleep alone beside my husband's wooden urn

while you are complaining of late work nights, I'm here praying for him to just come home

if he's irritable because he has a cold, know that somewhere out there, there are wives who wish they can make their spouses feel better with just some chicken soup and an aspirin or two

if the kids are giving you a hard time, look at me and think about how much I would've wanted one of my own

when he wants to show you something, or take you somewhere that means something to him, never forget that there are widows like me who are praying for one more day to be with our better halves

for every single day that you take your husband for granted, I am only one step closer to seeing my greatest love again

you have been given a gift

an opportunity to touch, to kiss, to hug, to be happy

something I haven't been in a while

if I could just make my husband's last day on earth last forever, I would've done so without hesitation

but he was so sick, and I had his life in my hands

I signed papers I didn't want to, told him it was okay to let go

and he did

if you have never had to make that choice, please consider yourself blessed

you have no idea how painful it is to lose that one person that gave meaning to everything that you are

that's why I ask you to please, love your husband for me

because you will never, ever know how much longer you have

;

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

All of me

Why

It's been a while since I last saw my parents sleep in the same bed. All I can think of is why? Why are they wasting their time? Why aren't they spending as much time together as they can? I would die for another touch of my husband's hand, a kiss on his forehead. My tragic love story should be a lesson for them. It frustrates me. How can they turn down the chance to show their love when here I am, waiting for my end just so I can be with my other half again.

I don't understand.

And I thought I wasn't gonna cry today.

On Our 175th Month

I accidently hurt the side of my left knee tonight. It's something that you can easily call a dismissible injury. But in my emotional state, I cried my heart out because had you been alive, you would've rushed to my side to ask what happened and to take care of my (almost nonexistent) wounds.

You would have gently reminded me to be careful next time and you probably would have kissed my forehead to let me know I'll live.

I miss your gentle, caring ways. Today should have been our 175th month together. It's a good round number. You would have been pleased.

I went to the mall today with ate and her family and we sort of went out for you. We had your favorite DQ moolatte, ordered your favorite kani and mango salad, went to a book sale to look at new and old titles, and we all got a massage from those automatic massage chairs.

It felt like a date with you, except you weren't there.

If you were in my body you would've been amazed at how alone I felt despite being surrounded by so many people.

The Uber ride home felt like one of those nights where we would quietly drive home in peace. We never had to talk in the car. We enjoyed the silence together. You would always, always touch my hand whenever you had the chance. I would always look at your face as the street lights broke through your hair. I would sigh and wonder what good I did to be sitting there with you.

Our love lived in the most mundane tasks at home; from me opening the gate so you can park, to working out who carries what from the car to the house, to making two cups of coffee, and charging the other person's almost dead phone so we can play some stupid games before we call it a night, every night.

175 months of me loving you and I still can't believe that I'm talking about you and to you in the past tense.

Could've, should've, would've.

You should have been and you should still be my future, but you' re gone.

I can pretend all I want that you're still here, that you're coming back. But I can't deny the taste of my tears, and I can still feel my nonexistent wounds from tonight left untouched.

I can never deny that I went alone to the mall, despite being with family. I can't deny that you weren't the person driving the car that took us home.

I went to my room where your urn quietly waited. I can feel you, but you're not there.

Midnight struck, and a reminder showed up on your phone.

Hapimon!

That's how we chose to greet each other every 30th of the month (Hapimon = HAPpy + MONthsary). A stupid tradition that we have faithfully kept alive all throughout our relationship.

I stared at the screen, then burst into tears. The reminder was set to repeat monthly--indefinitely.

I am so, so tired I can't believe how I survived the last 42 days.

I.JUST.WANT.YOU.TO.COME.HOME.PLEASE.

Please tell me this is just a bad dream. Please let me wake up beside you. Please take away this pain. Please just come back.

Today means nothing to me. Nothing means anything to me because you're not here.

Come back.

Remind me how it feels to be happy again.

40 Days

40 agonizing days without you. But then, that's 40 days that you've been pain free.

I choose my pain over yours. I will always, always put you first.

No longer busy

Oh what I would give just to be rushing back to you once more

I would rather hurry my life away if it meant spending another day with you

I would rather run for the rest of my life if it meant seeing you smile and hearing you laugh at my exhaustion

When groceries had to be bought in a very short time, because you would never let anyone else touch your feeding tubes

When sleeping was something I did because I had to, never because I wanted to

I would've stayed up forever

And then maybe I'd have more memories to remember you by

I would've shared your pain for as long as i could

Except we were never really sharing it, it was all just you

I would've accepted all the cold meals, the cups of coffee I never got to drink hot

Because I was checking up on you

Responding to your call

I would've waited an eternity, for life to give us a cure

But there was none

And now I've lost you forever

And for the first time in a long, long time

I'm not rushing anymore

Facebook Game Invites

Hi everyone makikiusap lang sana ako. Kung pwede lang sana, huwag nyo naman sendan ng game invites si Cezar just because alam nyong hindi na sya makakareply. Sobrang dami nyang invites nakakalungkot na some people find this behavior acceptable. Ako na ang nagmamanage ng accounts nya ngayon so nakikita ko pa rin lahat. I automatically unfriend and unfollow 'yung mga gumagawa nito. Please naman, humihingi ako ng respeto for my late husband. Thank you.

July 19th

Go to the mall> Find something nice> Think about how it'll look great on husband> Check the price tag> Smile because I have enough money to buy it> Remember that dear husband isn't waiting at home anymore> Hold back tears> Find a restroom to let it all out> Recover

Repeat indefinitely in various scenarios.

1 month today. I miss you terribly, Love. :(

You've earned your wings. Now fly, my love.

July 14th

Isa sa biggest regret ko 'yung hindi kami nagkababy ni dadi. Napaguusapan ang kids pero nagsisimula pa lang kami maginvest noon kaya hindi matuloy tuloy.

'yung kinikita namin every month kapag binawas mo ang bills at monthly ng kotse at bahay hindi sapat para bumuhay ng isa pang tao (o magpaaral sa reputableng school sa future).

Hindi naman kami galing sa mayayamang pamilya kaya gusto sana namin maiba naman ang magiging buhay ng mga magiging anak namin.

Hintay kami ng hintay ng tamang panahon para mag anak. Pero imbes na planuhin dinidelay lang namin paulit ulit. Hindi kami nauubusan ng dahilan. After na lang mabayaran 'yung sasakyan, pag bayad na kahit half nung total nung bahay, after magparenovate, etc.

Hindi rin nakatulong na hirap ako magbuntis at nagkaron pa ng chemical pregnancy dati.

Sa kabila ng lahat umasa parin ako one day na magkakaron rin kami ng little Cezar or little Shiela. Eventually nagtry rin kami, 2 years mahigit pero wala nangyari.

Pabalik balik ako sa OB ko para mas mapabilis kami magkababy. Kaso wala talaga. Hanggang sa nagkasakit si dadi, at tuluyan na nawala 'yung possibility na magkaanak kami.

Kasama ng pagkawala nya, 'yung kawalan ko ng kagustuhan magkaanak. Naisip na namin dati 'yung mga pangalan. Babae raw 'yung panganay. Nicole Alexandria. 'yung pangalawa boy pero wala pa name. 'yung bunso Mort Miklotov pero joke joke lang. Gusto nya kasi ng Russian sounding name para astig daw.

Tinatanong (at inaaway) ko parin si God hanggang ngayon kung bakit pati anak hindi kami nagkaron. Sabi ko sa dinami dami ng masasamang tao sa mundo bakit asawa ko pa. Paminsan minsan naiisip ko rin ang sagot pero hindi parin sapat sa akin.

Alam ko kinuha Nya sa akin si dadi kasi mahal na mahal nya ako. Ako mismo hindi ko alam kung ano mangyayari sa asawa ko kapag nauna ako sa kanya.

Alam ko hindi Nya pinagadya na magkaanak kami kasi napakalaking kasayangan na hindi nya makilala ang tatay nya.

Alam ko ang sagot. Pero ang pusong nangungulila hindi nakakakilala ng rason.

Magiisang buwan na mula ng mawala sya sa akin. Wala paring araw na hindi ako umiiyak. Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, dapat matuwa ako kasi alam ko walang regrets si dadi sa buhay nya.

Kung may natutunan ako kay dadi, 'yun 'yung gawin lahat ng gusto mong gawin kung kelan mo gusto gawin. 'wag ka na maghintay pa na mawala 'yung pagkakataon. Wala na mas sasaklap pa sa regrets na hinding hindi mo na mababawi pa.

Para sa'yo di, hindi ako magaalangan sa buhay ko. Gagawin ko lahat ng gusto ko gawin para marami ako maikwento sa'yo kapag nagkita na tayo uli. I miss you. Bantayan mo kami palagi. I love you beb. Salamat sa lahat ng saya na ibinigay mo sa akin. Sana nasaan ka man ngayon, alam mo na naghihintay parin ako sa'yo.

CENOMAR

2 years ago kumuha tayo ng CENOMAR (Certificate of No Marriage) kase requirement yun para makapagpakasal tayo. Nagorder tayo online at excited na naghintay dumating 'yung mga papel.

Parehong first time natin nakakita ng CENOMAR in person kaya medyo nadisappoint tayo na ang onte lang pala nung nakaprint doon lol. Pero sa isang banda happy tayo kase kumpleto na 'yung requirements natin para sa civil wedding natin.

Never naman ako nagduda na kasal ka sa iba dahil solid naman tiwala ko sa'yo. Ikaw rin naman ganun sa akin (saka hello lagi na nga tayo magkasama e).

Never ko rin inisip na kukuha ako uli ng CENOMAR ng ganito kaaga after mo mawala. Hindi bilang requirement sa kasal kundi para makapagclaim ng mga death benefits mo. Habang nagoorder ako online, hindi ko napigilan 'yung pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

'yung unang beses kase na nagorder ako nito online, nakayakap ka sa likod ko habang nasa harap ko 'yung laptop at nagfi fill out ng mga personal information natin. Nakapatong pa 'yung baba mo sa kanang balikat ko habang inaasar mo ako na ang bagal ko magtype at ang OC ko magrecheck nung fields.

Ang sarap balikan nung mga araw na 'yon. Akala ko talaga wala nang katapusan. Pero nangyari na e, wala ka na talaga. From this point onward solo ko na kailangan gawin ang lahat ng bagay. Paminsan minsan syempre magpapasama ako. Pero iba parin 'pag 'yung tayong dalawa. Iba parin 'yung asaran sa kotse kahit grabe ang traffic, iba parin 'yung unli kwentuhan, iba parin 'yung maghawak ng kamay habang naghihintay sa kahit saan pang pila. Lahat ng bagay mas special kapag nandun ka e.

Kahit busy ako hindi ka nawawala sa isip ko. Araw araw ko parin pinagdadasal na makita ka at makasama ka uli. Hindi ko alam kung pano ako nagsusurvive, pero surprisingly, andito parin naman ako, lumalaban. Lagi ko sinasabi, wala ako mukhang maihaharap sa'yo kapag nagquit ako.

Tatapusin ko lahat ng sinimulan mo dad. Lahat ng hindi ka nagkachance gawin, gagawin ko for you. Salamat kasi sa ngayon 'yung mga unfinished business mo ang nagda drive sa akin na mabuhay. Siguro eventually matututo rin akong mangarap uli para sa sarili ko. Pero sa ngayon, tututukan ko muna 'yung mga pangarap na binuo natin magkasama. Huwag ka magalala, hinding hindi kita bibiguin.

July 7th

*The 5-year relative survival rate is defined as the proportion of persons surviving 5 or more years after cancer diagnosis compared with the proportion of survivors expected in a set of comparable cancer-free persons.*

Kalagitnaan ng treatment mo, nakaisip ako ng isang bagay na related sa paggaling mo. Sabi ko, after 5 years na madeclare ka na na cancer free, magpo propose ako sa'yo. Sabi ko, mas magiging memorable ang taon na 'yon para sa atin.

May nilalakad ako noon sa may Gateway nung napadaan ako dito sa lugar na 'to. Pumasok ako tapos bigla ko naisip, ito na 'yon. Ito na 'yung perfect venue to propose. Naisip ko pa, marami mas romantic pero may something dito na parang feel ko.
























The next day, naginquire ako sa current price kung ibubook ang lugar. Pwede naman daw pero hindi pa naverify with upper management. Pricey pero dedma, may 5 years pa para pagipunan.
Naidrawing ko na sa isip ko mga details. Listahan ng bisita, food, photographer, at syempre 'yung ring. Sabi ko pa, hinding hindi mo malilimutan 'yung araw na 'yun.
May draft na rin ako ng script ko kase alam ko mahirap mag impromptu kapag maraming tao. Ito sana 'yung script ko:

"Di, napakarami nating pinagdaanan lalo nitong nakaraang mga taon. Lahat na yata ng hirap at sakit dinanas mo. Alam ko sa buong panahon na 'yun, hindi ako naging perpektong asawa para sa'yo. Alam ko na may mga pagkakataong hindi 100% 'yung naibigay ko sa'yong pagmamahal, pagunawa, at pagaaruga.

Pero alam ko rin na walang ibang makakapagpasaya sa'yo tulad ng nagagawa ko. Alam ko na ako lang ang babaeng nakakaalam kung paano ka pangingitiin at bibigyan ng will na mabuhay.
Gusto ko malaman mo na mahal na mahal kita at wala na akong ibang mamahalin pa."
Tapos luluhod ako (oo kahit nakadress pa). Tapos tuloy ang script ko hoping na hindi pa 'ko sobrang luhaan at this point.

"Sa pangalawang buhay mo na 'to, at sa pangalawang pagkakataon natin magkasama habang buhay, will you do me the honor of marrying you -- again?"

Hopefully you'll say yes then we'd kiss and hug and everybody would cheer us on.
Pero hindi na sya nangyari.

I went there again today and maganda parin sya for me. Sabi ko nga, siguro sa next life natin ako naman ang lalake (sobrang ganda mo sigurong babae.) Malay ko ba baka naman matuloy parin 'yung proposal ko.

I love you di. I know you would've said yes a million times basta ako ang magtatanong. But for now I'll just have to wait.

Lagi ko pinagdadasal na wherever you are sana you have found peace. I don't mind the distance basta alam kong nakakahinga ka dyan, nakakaamoy, at nakakalasa. Kaya ko balewalain ang pain basta alam kong healthy ka at masaya kung nasaan ka man.

Sorry hindi na umabot 'yung proposal ko. Pero please know that if I could, I would marry you every day para lang patunayan sa'yo na there's no one else I'd rather be with.
I miss you at naghihintay pa rin ako sa'yo.

PS Dahil ayaw mo na pinipitas ang flowers pinicturan ko na lang for you. Sana magustuhan mo. :) Kitakits love.

Table For One

Eating alone wasn't so bad beb. I ordered your favorite. I miss you. Kung buhay ka kaya, ano ano na namang kalokohang hashtag gagamitin mo? :)

You will always be beautiful in my eyes.

132 Days

132 days. 132 lang mula diagnosis hanggang sa araw na iniwan mo ako. Lagpas lang ng kaunti sa 4 na buwan.

Sa loob ng 132 days, nakapag6 na conventional radiotherapy ka, 35 na IMRT ( Intensity-modulated radiation therapy), at tatlong chemo cycles.

Sa 132 days na 'yun nakapagpakabit tayo ng PEG tube, naconfine ng mahigit limang beses, nakapagpascan ng more than 10 times, at nasalinan ng 9 units ng dugo.

Huwag na nating bilangin kung ilang beses ka kinabitan ng IV line at kinuhanan ng dugo para sa kung ano anong lab work.

Sa sobrang dami ng pasa sa mga kamay at braso mo ni hindi ko na maaninag yung mga ugat sa ilalim. Sa mga huling araw ng buhay mo, halos kulay asul ka na sa iba't ibang parte ng katawan.

Walang kapantay 'yung sakit na makita kang nahihirapan. Tuwing tatanungin kita kung kaya pa, ang sagot mo, "syempre naman!"

Nung huling linggo mo sa ospital at tinanong kita kung kaya pa, ang sabi mo "kakayanin." Alam ko, nung araw na 'yun, hindi ka man sumusuko ang katawan mo bumibigay na.

Kasama sa 132 days ang pagkawala ng isa mong mata na hindi mo na magamit dahil nadamage na ng tumor. Humina na ang pandinig mo dahil sa radiation. Hindi ka makalulon dahil nasira ang salivary glands mo ng radiotherapy. Wala ka na ring panlasa.

Sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit at hirap, lumaban ka. Kahit alam kong masakit na ang katawan mo dahil sa cancer, niyayakap mo parin ako at hinahawakan ang kamay. Ang sabi ng mga doktor, 'yung huling linggo ng buhay mo, kahit daw patak ng tubig masakit sa balat mo. Pero pinilit mo parin noon tumayo at makipagusap sa amin.

Wala akong masabi. Nakakabilib ka talaga di.

Naaalala ko dati na dinadasal ko sa Dyos na sana, ako na lang. Sana ako na lang ang nahihirapan. Kahit anong sakit pa ok lang mawala lang ang pain na nararanasan mo.

Ibinigay naman ng Dyos, pero sa ibang paraan.

Wala ka ng pain ngayon, at ako na ang nahihirapan. Hindi ko lang inasahan na sa ganitong paraan ibibigay ang dasal ko. Akala ko pwede tayong magpalit ng kalagayan na buhay ka kahit magdusa ako habang buhay. Ganun pa man, masaya na rin ako na alam kong wala ka na talagang sakit na nararamdaman.

Nakikita kita sa lahat ng bagay, sa lahat ng tao, sa lahat ng lugar. Naiisip kita sa lahat ng kanta kong maririnig, naaalala kita paggising ko hanggang sa pagpikit ng mga mata ko sa gabi.

Pinapatay ko ang ilaw bago matulog kasi kahit paano, sa dilim, hindi ko makikita ang iniwan mong bakanteng espasyo sa tabi ko sa higaang sabay nating ipinundar at unang hinigaan.

Yakap yakap ko sa gabi ang huling unan na ginamit mo sa ospital. Dinadama kita sa puting tela nito, umaasang mararamdaman ko ulit ang pakiramdam na mayakap ka at mayakap mo ako.

Nakakapagod umiyak araw araw at gabi gabi pero paano mo sasabihin sa pusong nagluluksa na tama na? Anong klaseng paglilibang ang kailangan kong gawin para malimutan ko na wala na 'yung taong akala ko makakasama kong tumanda at mamahalin ko habang buhay?

Napakarami kong tanong pero lahat walang sagot. Napakaraming oras pero aanhin ko lahat 'yun kung wala ka naman?

Lagi mo sinasabi, "Bakit kaya 'yung ibang tao kung ano ano pang ginagawa at inaatupag sa buhay? Ako nga ang gusto ko lang mabuhay."

'yun lang din ang gusto ko di, ang mabuhay ka. 'yun lang ang gusto ko pero hindi naman ibinigay. Iniisip ko na lang baka naman sa next life abutin tayo ng 100++. Pero sa ngayon tiis tiis muna.

Sa ngayon wala akong plano. Nabubuhay lang ako one day at a time. Mag aasikaso na ako ng benefits ko na iniwan mo sa akin para maituloy ko ang buhay ko kahit wala ka na. Sana tulungan mo akong maglakad lakad ng hindi ngumangawa sa kung saan saan. Ayaw ko naman maging source pa ng kahihiyan mo. :P

Kagabi, naramdaman kita. Sana ikaw nga 'yun. Naramdaman kita nung tinugtog na 'yun request kong "Unchained Melody" sa bar. Sayang kasi this time, hindi mo ako naisayaw. Ok lang, next time na lang.

Miss na miss na kita di. Sana alam mo na maraming buhay ang binago mo nung buhay ka at lalo pa nung nawala ka. Salamat kasi 'yung mga taong minahal mo, sila 'yung mga nagaalaga at nagmamahal sa akin ngayon.

Miss na miss na kita. Gusto na kitang makita uli. Sana alam mo na kung gaano ka katapang lumaban noon, ganun rin ako lumalaban ngayon. Sobrang hirap, pero gagawin ko para hindi masayang ang buhay ko.

Sisiguraduhin ko na kapag nagkita tayo uli, magiging proud ka sa kung anong naging ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang days pa bago magkatotoo ang wish kong magkasama uli tayo. Basta ako, andito lang, maghihintay sa'yo. Aasa na sana, someday soon, maisasayaw mo na uli ako.

5 Years Ago

5 years ago 'tong picture na 'to. Nakamotor pa tayo noon, nangangarap pa lang magkakotse. Hindi ko malilimutan kahit kailan kung pano mo binuo paunti unti ang mga pangarap namin. Dugo't pawis ang puhunan. Nahirapan tayo, nagaway, nagutom, pero kahit minsan hindi mo nakanti ni dulo ng daliri ko. Madalas mo tanungin, "mi, kahit minsan ba napagbuhatan kita ng kamay?" Parehas lang lagi ang sagot ko, "never!"

You always made it a point to check on me kahit na magkasama naman tayo sa bahay. Para kang may invisible na checklist para masigurong masaya ako sa'yo.

Lagi ko pinagyayabang, 14 years tayo pero kahit minsan hindi mo ko pinagtaasan ng boses. I would always say, 'yan ang tunay na lalake, 'yan ang tunay na mabait na asawa.



Parati tayong may ternong piece of clothing o tsinelas o sapatos. Hindi pa uso yung twinning twinning na yan nagteterno na tayo. At dahil size 10 ka, syempre mas madali kung ako yung magaadjust ng choices. :P

Araw ng cremation, pinabaon ko sa 'yo yung pares mo ng tsinelas na katerno nung tsinelas ko. Ang tumatakbo lang sa isip ko non, hindi na ko magkakaron ng katerno uli.

Hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong nakikipagcouple's anything with another person. Sabi nila 'wag raw ako magsalita ng tapos. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung anong naghihintay sa akin sa future. Ang alam ko lang, kapag nakikita ko 'yung ngiti ko dito, walang ibang taong makakapagpasaya sa akin tulad ng nagawa mo.

I miss you di. Napakalungkot ng buhay kapag wala ka. Pero tulad ng pinangako ko sa'yo, magiging ok rin ako. Hinding hindi ko papabayaan ang sarili ko. Alam ko naman lagi ka lang nakabantay sa akin. I love you dad. Kitakits.

1 minute na lang tapos 9 days ka na wala. I miss you di. Bantayan mo kami lagi. I love you. I really wish you were here.

I signed a DNR form.

I signed a DNR form.

DNR stands for Do Not Resuscitate. 3 days before Cezar died, our medical onco told me that his dropping oxygen saturation is a sign that he was deteriorating fast. She said that eventually, oxygen will not be able to reach all his organs and that will eventually lead to organ failure.
I talked to him while his sister slept in the room (his sister looks after him at night). It was probably one of the many difficult discussions we had about his death.

I told him that hospitals have protocols and their instinct is to revive patients when their vitals drop. He asked me, "what are they going to do?" I told him they will intubate and put him on a ventilator when that happens. I asked him, "do you want them to do that?" He looked at me with his very tired eye and waved his hand. I understood.
On his last night, I went to the doctors and asked them to produce the DNR form asap. I will not have my husband suffer anymore worldly pain. I never knew I could cry so hard over a piece of paper.
That morning, his vitals kept dropping but we could only look and cry. His pain management team made sure he was comfortable, and for that we are very thankful.

He flatlined according to his wishes. No more pricks, no tubes, no zapping to wake his weak heart. I made sure no autopsy was done, no embalming will be carried out.

I sent his body back to God as whole as possible as I could.

If you are reading this, and you have a family member who is terminally ill, please take the time to discuss this with them. I believe this is the humane thing to do. I know how keeping them alive will make us happy (I would have done everything), knowing that they are still with us. But it is their lives and it is them who will suffer.

I guess you can say that I let my husband die. I did not do eveything in my power to keep him alive. But I also think that sometimes, the best option you have is to let the person you love go.

"Maging mabuti tayo sa ibang tao palagi."

Dadi, salamat sa mga ganitong payo mo. Isheshare ko lang para makita ng lahat kung gano ka naghold on sa faith mo sa kabila ng lahat ng torture na binigay sayo ng sakit mo. You are a true man of God. Proud ako na ikaw ang naging katuwang ko sa buhay. I love you di. Miss na miss na kita.

Salamat

Nakauwi na kami. Maraming maraming salamat sa lahat ng mga nakadalaw kay Cezar. Salamat rin sa mga nagalay ng dasal, nagabot ng tulong, at nagbitbit ng masasayang kwento tungkol sa pinakamamahal kong asawa. Palaisipan parin sa akin kung saan isasaboy ang mga abo nya, pero knowing dadi, hindi nya ko mamadaliin.

Hindi ko alam kung pano ako magsisimula uli. Dinrowing ko na ang buhay ko hanggang dulo na kasama sya. Pero susubukan ko. Sobrang hirap pero susubukan ko.

Hindi ako magpapaalam, magkikita pa naman kami e. Ibubulong ko na lang sa langit ng gusto ko sabihin sa kanya.

Para naman sa lahat ng mga kapamilya, kaibigan, kaklase, at kaopisina, maraming maraming salamat po. Ang bilis nawala ni Cezar pero baka mas naging maikli pa ang oras namin kung hindi dahil sa tulong nyo. Balang araw makakabawi rin ako sa inyong lahat. Catch up tayo soon, babawi lang muna ako.

Hindi ko na papangalanan lahat, baka may malimutan pa ako.  Basta maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat. Araw araw ko kayong ipagdadasal. Ingat kayo lagi. Stay healthy and God bless.

Viewing Schedule

Hi everyone, just to clarify, viewing of Cezar's urn is until 4 am of Wednesday June 21. Thank you and God bless!

Pendant

Nung napagusapan namin ni dadi kung pwede ba ako humingi ng abo nya para ilagay sa pendant, sabi nya ok lang daw basta ako lang. Happy na ako ang kaso, meron pa syang ibang kondisyon. Ang sabi nya, balang araw, kapag naramdaman ko raw na tanggap ko na na wala na sya, kailangan ko itapon yung ashes nya (ashes lang di ha please ang ganda nung necklace e T_T).

2 batch ng pendant ang pinakita sa akin. Kamukhang kamukha ito nung dating regalo nya sa akin na nawala kaya natural ito ang pinili ko. Siguro nililead mo rin ako para mas madali ako makapagdecide.

Dad, di ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko susuotin to (di ko alam if matatanggap ko ever na wala ka na). Ang alam ko lang, hindi ko pa kaya ngayon. Hindi pa ako handa. Samahan mo muna ako. Dito ka lang muna sa akin.

Final Update on Cezar's Condition

I feel like I owe everyone a very late update on Cezar's condition kaya magpopost parin ako. I can feel him nagging me na magpost because he always says that we owe it to the people who keep on helping us.

My last update was about our 5th antibiotic and his lower back muscle spasms. I know a lot of you are shocked na wala na sya so I want to fill you all in about the events that lead to this moment. So eto na.

5th antibiotic didn't work. We can't get a decent sputum sample because it's always tainted with blood. So they finally decided to have a CT scan with contrast done. UERM result shows no metastases while the diagnostic center's result show metastases in the lungs, liver, and the spine. They read the same plates.

To rule out metastases, we were supposed to do a biopsy of the liver. This didn't push through because Cezar's oxygen kept dropping. He was still being treated for pneumonia (supposedly caused by fungus) during this time. The night of his postponed biopsy, he showed signs of fast deterioration. He was coherent up to the last minute, but his breathing has worsened. Every breath sounded like harsh winds beating on a galvanized surface.

He was able to say goodbye, for those who want to know. After a long moment of unresponsiveness, he suddenly sat up, hugged me, stroked my back, and said "love you mi". His voice sounded very nasal at this point. This marks the time where he would have long periods of unresponsiveness and short waking times. He went to the bathroom twice before he died, just goes to show how much he wanted to not become a burden to anyone.

I believe that up until the last minute he was waiting on God's go signal before he let go. During his annointing, the moment the priest marked his forehead with the sign of the cross, he attempted to do the sign too. He opened both of his eyes in surprise when the priest started the prayer. He expired no more than 5 minutes after his annointing.

Some people say the greatest love stories end in tragedies. I'd like to think that our love is one of the greatest. It feels like it really ended in a tragedy, with me losing him so early. My first night wihout him felt like hell (and still feels like hell). But I promised him that I will wait for him like I always have for the last 14 years. Knowing that I'll have him waiting on the other side gives me comfort. He will always be worth the wait.

For now I just want to make sure his last wishes are put in order. And then the waiting game begins.

We would like to thank everyone for being with us in this journey. We put up a good fight. Cezar would always say, better to have tried and lost. He told me to tell you all to please take care of your health. Let go of your vices. He told me that if he only knew that his disease would hurt me this bad, he would have never started smoking (one of the possible reasons for his disease). He did stop smoking, but I guess it was a little too late.

He also told me to tell everyone to love like you're going to die tomorrow and pray every morning to give thanks for the opportunity to live one more day.

I guess this wraps up my updates on his condition. He is in the best condition now as he joins God and his dad in heaven.

To dadi, mahal na mahal kita. I can feel my heart breaking. I just want you to know na maghihintay ako sayo. I miss you so bad. Pasensya ka na I can't stop crying. Ikaw kase ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko tapos nawala ka. Pero maghihintay ako for you. Please visit me in my dreams. I want to see you again. I love you and I always will.

Chapel E, Arlington Chapel, Araneta Ave.

Hi everyone, viewing of Cezar's urn will be at Chapel E, Arlington Chapel, Araneta Ave. 6 pm onwards tomorrow, and whole day of June 20. Tomorrow morning is reserved for family members. Salamat po. Please feel free to bring happy thoughts and cute stories tungkol kay dadi. :) God bless us all!

Gone Too Soon

Hi everyone, alam ko father's day (ayaw ko sana magcause ng sadness) pero gusto ko lang sana sabihin na Cezar passed away na this morning at exactly 11:37. We are still at UERM finalizing some stuff. Gusto ko lang magthank you sa lahat ng mga dumalaw, nagdasal, nagabot ng tulong at best wishes sa amin. Ipopost ko na lang uli kung san nyo pwede dalawin si Cezar pag naayos na namin lahat. Thank you again and God bless.

Maggugupit pa tayo ng maraming kuko :P I love you!

Need Blood Donors

Hello po, need po uli ng 2 bags ng blood ni Cezar. Baka meron pong donor na willing po tumulong samin para di po macharge ng masyado malaki sa ospital. Pakipm po ako please. Thank you!

June 7th

We are on our 5th antibiotic (shifting with the 4th). Met the infectious disease doc and he told us that the sputum culture showed another infection (hospital acquired bacteria). Bacteria is aggresive and colonizing like crazy so another set of antibiotics were ordered.

We were told to stop receiving visitors for now (sorry guys :( ) while Cezar recovers. Xray of the lower back showed muscle spasms. Xray of the chest showed no significant improvement in his pneumonia because of the reinfection. We can't rule out metastasis for now and they are also looking at tuberculosis, but we have pending tests that will hopefully tell us more.

Please pray for Cezar, excited na sya gumaling. God bless us all!

"Kase minsan lang mangyayari 'to. Gagaling na 'ko e."

"Picturan mo 'ko."
"Bakit?"
"Basta picturan mo 'ko!"
"E bakit nga?!"
"Kase minsan lang mangyayari 'to. Gagaling na 'ko e."

Laban lang tayo di, 'wag ka magalala sigurado gagaling ka. Napakarami namin nagdadasal para sa'yo. Sobrang dami namin. Mahal ka namin at hihintayin ka namin gumaling.  I love you di!

Thank you, Blood Donors

Hi guys! Salamat po at kumpleto na ang donors di na kami ichacharge sa nagamit na blood. Pwede parin po magdonate in advance para sa surgery. Punta lang po sa blood bank tapos sabihin po para kay Cezar Camba. Nagsstore daw sila kahit up to one year pa bago gagamitin.

In pain parin si Cezar and day 1 ng bagong antibiotic so sana magwork na to. Pagod na kami, puyat, at mababa ang morale. Pero laban parin. Share ko lang din tong usapan namin nung bumaba ako nung isang araw para magdonate (andaya kase yung ibang donor pinayagan kahit may tat) pampaGV lang kahit konti. :)

God bless us all!!

Beautiful view in the midst of all the chaos. Lord, you are merciful. I lift up all my fears to You.

June 2nd

Update on Cezar's Condition

Repeat xray today showed that Cezar's pneumonia is still progressing and is showing resistance to piperacillin.We have tried levofloxacin and erythromycin all 3 are unsucessful. Tonight we start a new antibiotic hopefully this one works. Please pray for Cezar. If you have the time, please also share our funding page. Thank you and God bless!

Get GoGetFunding's Fundraising Ideas

May 30th

Update on Cezar's Condition

Still no discharge date. Maxicare is reassessing the claim for the third time. Sputum culture shows a multi drug resistant bacteria that probably caused the pneumonia. We have a cbc scheduled tomorrow to see if there are any issues with the transfusion. No fever the whole day thank God (sana tuloy tuloy na). Some body pain still present but we hope they all go away soon. Please pray for Cezar's healing. Nothing is impossible with God.

Looking for blood donors

Hi po naghahanap po kami ng blood donor po para po pamalit dun sa natransfuse kay Cezar na 2 bags. 2 donor pa po kailangan namin 2 donor po kase kelangan pamalit per bag na nagamit. Nakapagdonate na po yung bunso kong kapatid pati bunsong kapatid ni Cezar. Nasa UERM po kami nakaadmit ngayon. Salamat po in advance sa mga pwede po magdonate.

May 26th

Admitted to the hospital yesterday since he had a fever on the last day of his antibiotic. Docs say it's because the meds weren't strong enough to get rid of the infection. He also has body pain and difficulty breathing.

He has been admitted to a private room because there are no isolation rooms available in the charity ward. They can admit him in the ward while waiting for an isolation room in charity but I would have to sign a waiver that hospital will not be liable if he catches a different disease during his stay and I just can't take that risk. I am currently talking to maxicare peeps because I was told that Cezar actually has a different benefit limit per illness (and that a pneumonia diagnosis would make them cover the hospital stay).

Please pray for Cezar to get better soon. Thanks everyone and God bless!

May 19th

Update on Cezar's Condition

​Xray result confirmed that Cezar has pneumonia. Doc wants to admit him but we refused since there are no available isolation rooms in the charity ward which may put Cezar at a greater risk. He was talkative at the ER (Doc says he looks 'inadmissible' but they always want to make sure hence the suggestion of confinement) and was answering most of the questions (I usually do all the talking lol). We signed a waiver to be sent home and medicate here. We were given symptoms to watch out for that could indicate a worsening condition (whole day of fever, lethargy, etc) and prescribed strong oral meds to be taken through PEG.

Cezar says he feels fine and also didn't want to be admitted. He says he can't eat sotanghon at the hospital and it also wouldn't be practical to heat food at home and bring it to UERM   His feeding kit is also an issue since sterilizing them is a lot harder when done in the public bathroom plus the fact that only one watcher is allowed per patient. I asked him to let me know if we need to rush back to the ER and he agreed.

He is now sleeping and feeding. Meds will be given after dinner when he has had something heavier to eat. Prayers, prayers, prayers! With God nothing is impossible.  

May 17th

Update on Cezar's Condition

Cezar has been able to eat chicken sopas, rice (mashed with LOTS of soup/sauce, afritada (small shredded pieces), taho, ice cream, and some shredded fish.  His new best friend is ginger tea with honey which soothes his sore throat.

We talked to his med onco this morning and we were given requests for cbc and chest xray (he has some chest pain and doc wants to rule out pneumonia). Not sure how much he weighs now as the scale we have at home isn't very reliable but since he started eating again, he has started to gain some color (his ears are now pinkish) were as he was so pale before. Demeanor has taken a turn for the better and he seems to be a lot more cheerful these days. For the past 3 days he has been able to join us at the table for breakfast (we usually just sit side by side in his slanting chair) 

Formula feeding has been cut down to 2-3x a day unlike 2 weeks ago when we had to formula feed him 5-6x a day. He can now drink a lot of water so hydration doesn't have to be done entirely through his peg tube.

Tumor protruding from the gums is no longer visible, his gums look like regular gums with no teeth. The small part of the tumor seen inside the the right nostril is no longer present. His nose is no longer bleeding. He has a discharge from the right nostril but it has changed color from dark brown to a light yellowish color. Rad onco says this is necrosis and what we are seeing are parts of the tumor disintegrating. Before radiotherapy started, he would have this continuous flow of old blood from the right nostril. Doc says it's because the tumor was still connected to his vascular system and feeding from his blood..Now that the tumor is supposedly dead, it is no longer acting like a parasite and feeding off of his blood. This is the reason the tumor is no longer bleeding (because it doesn't share its blood supply with Cezar anymore). Last cbc showed regular blood count, we are hoping it's going to stay that way.

Surgery will probably be in 6 weeks or so. Please pray for us some more. I know all of you are quietly praying and wishing for his recovery and we just want you all to know that we appreciate your kindness. Thank you and we hope you have a wonderful rest of the week!

Sotanghon :)

Salamat mama Minda at Mabbie aa pagprepare ng pagkain ni Cezar :) labyu!